me: i want something very short and small and cutesy but most importantly body safe and discreet
sex toy companies: try the DEVASTATOR SEVENTY THREE INCHES OF PURE JELLY RUBBER HYPER REALISTIC VEINS WE SHOWED IT TO A NUN ONCE AND SHE BURST INTO FLAMES THERE’S ONLY ONE SETTING: DEVASTATION THE VIBRATIONS CAUSED AN EARTHQUAKE MILLIONS ARE DEAD
main character gets crushed and beaten half to death by this monster, cute little girl uses magic to keep him alive while his lungs and limbs have been ripped out/off of his body, then the girl offers to take him back to her castle to continue. this is legitimately a thousand times more erotic than any h-scene could ever be, oh my god.
g.e-hentai: Shojo Idol Kaikin!! Tomoe *mi | [nsfwsenpai]
embarrassing confession, sometimes my gf writes me shameless self-insert erotica for fandoms we’re both into. she REALLY knows what i like and the stories and scenarios she comes up with always end up being incredible because she always picks the characters that are 100% my type (somehow she just KNOWS…). anyways, one time she wrote me trashy nasty porn involving fate/zero archer fucking my ass and like. i can’t stop thinking about it. still. it got me sooo excited when she wrote it and she still makes jokes about it. like. talking about how if i was in the holy grail war i’d be wasting my command seals to make my servants fuck my ass and then probably die. which, admittedly, would most likely be exactly what would happen. or maybe i’d just be even more motivated to win so i could have my ultimate wish granted (the wish obviously being for me to get fucked in the ass forever and for all eternity).
i dont know why i felt like sharing this other than the fact that ive been laughing about it ever since new fate/stay night came out. this is more of a pointless story than a ~lewd text post~ but it’s too nsfw to put on my main so: here it is.